


seven times i sought you (and all the times i lost you)

by lilithiumwords



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Character Death, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Minor Violence, Other, Reincarnation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-30
Updated: 2017-08-30
Packaged: 2018-12-21 16:28:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11948133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilithiumwords/pseuds/lilithiumwords
Summary: Every time Thorin is reincarnated, he meets Bilbo too late.





	seven times i sought you (and all the times i lost you)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [KaavyaWriting](https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaavyaWriting/gifts).



Their first life, Thorin always remembers. Sometimes not the others, but always that first one, with his darkening rage over a jewel he never should have coveted, and losing himself beneath dragon fire and destruction. 

When Mahal greets him and sends him to wait out his afterlife, Thorin languishes for a long time, filled with sorrow and hatred. He doesn't know how long Bilbo lived after Thorin died, that first time, but he can only hope he survived that foolish war. He hopes that Bilbo went home to his little home in his Shire and planted his tree, read his books and smoked his pipe, free from Thorin's fury. 

One day, Thorin realizes that he doesn't want to sit around and suffer his memories. He wants to absolve himself of his guilt -- and so he begs Mahal to send him back, however he wishes. He wants to work until the deaths on his hands no longer crush his fingers.

Mahal grants his wish, and so Thorin closes his eyes in the afterlife, and opens them as a child, alive and confused in a time of war.

~*~

He thinks he learns from his past. When he wakes in the era of Men, Thorin remembers those dark days with grim bitterness. He had been so foolish. Early on, as his memories grow clear and he comes to understand that they are not _normal_ , Thorin vows to do better by his ancestors, and by Bilbo.

It shocks him, when he finds Bilbo one day. Thorin is fifteen and still hardly old enough to travel, according to his parents, who have taken him to the Grey Havens to do some trading. They reluctantly let Thorin wander the markets, alone, and how strange is it, to have ordinary parents? Yet he is a Dwarf, though still a child, and so Thorin minds himself, avoiding the Elves who eye him with distrust and making his way to the harbor to skip stones.

There is a white boat at the harbor, and Thorin is shocked to find several Halflings boarding it. He knows what those boats mean -- they take Elves to the Undying Lands. Thorin pauses and watches, as four young Hobbits help a much older Hobbit onto the ship. There is some fuss when one of the younger Hobbits stays on the ship, but ultimately, the three others step off and wave good-bye.

When the old Hobbit turns around to look upon Middle Earth one last time, Thorin gasps.

"Bilbo," he whispers. That's his Bilbo. Old and wrinkled and so very small, his eyes pale with age and sadness. Thorin lurches forward, his shout catching in his throat -- but the ship is sailing away. Perhaps for a moment, just briefly, their eyes meet -- but then Thorin blinks, and Bilbo has turned away, a smile on his old face.

His parents find him hours later, huddled in the same spot where he lost sight of the ship on the horizon. Thorin doesn't speak again for years.

When he dies, an old Dwarf with no children or grandchildren of his own, just a rusty old forge that he worked tirelessly for years, Mahal takes him into his great embrace.

"You can rest now, my child, or you can go back. It is your decision."

Thorin decides.

~*~

His third life, Thorin grows up as a girl, picking fights with older boys and trouncing them in the school yard. The world is changing from what she once knew, but bullying never changes, and Thorin learns to defend every person who gets called a foul name outside of class. When she's old enough, she fights to join the military of this kingdom, citing famous women such as Eowyn of Rohan for her reasoning to join, and they let her (a girl named Siobhain, short and fierce, though in her heart she still calls herself Thorin).

She meets Bilbo on a battlefield, dying with a spear in his chest. Bilbo is a young man, too young, just like Thorin, and he is human just as Thorin is -- but his eyes, Thorin would know anywhere. Thorin drops her sword and kneels beside the fallen soldier, dressed in enemy armor, not caring for the fighting still going on in the distance. Hazy eyes fix upon her, and slowly, Bilbo smiles.

"I know your face," Bilbo says to her, soft and weak, and then he dies, blood on his lips.

Thorin weeps. She looks up at the bloodshed around her and remembers the long life of loneliness she lived after Bilbo sailed from the Gray Havens; and she knows that she can't do it again. She takes her sword and guts herself, laying herself over Bilbo's fallen body. Let the world go on without them -- Thorin cannot go on without Bilbo.

~*~

His fourth life, Thorin spends searching for Bilbo, once more a woman. She never finds him, but she feels like Bilbo is everywhere, hidden behind a curtain that Thorin cannot reach. Thorin never gives up – until she is seventy, and she sees Bilbo in the eyes of an old woman who was struck by a carriage outside her house. She had been carrying a basket of produce, coming home from the market – and how long had she lived nearby? How long had Thorin missed her entire existence?

She was gone too soon. Thorin never knew her. Her Bilbo.

She dies an old age again, weeping into her cups, and when he wakes in Mahal’s arms, Thorin doesn’t believe he can do this again. Once a Dwarf, always a Dwarf, even if he lives as other people.

"Rest, my child. Rest your soul, for you are home, here."

_No, my father. Home is where Bilbo is, and he is not here._

~*~

Fifty years, a hundred years, five hundred years. Mahal's Halls never change, though the world beyond them does. Eventually, Thorin decides he wants to try again. His family has already gone back, and Thorin aches to follow them, to find his nephews again.

He wishes to see Bilbo again, too. But he fears it, too -- he cannot handle losing Bilbo again. He thinks that he is meant to be Bilbo's un-luck, the driving force that ruins Bilbo's life time again. He doesn't think he can handle another death of the one person who understood him, in all his lives.

Thorin's fifth life is quiet. He lives alone, he works his fields, and he doesn't think of clear eyes under golden curls, smiling at him with soft humor. He reaches old age again, and he thinks, maybe, finally, he can sleep peacefully after this. He has paid his dues. His hands are no longer bloody with his guilt.

Thorin spends his last days in a hospital. A pretty young nurse enters his room, and Thorin smiles a little when she fumbles with his medicine. She must be new, and Thorin thinks for a moment of being young again and able, spry enough to catch this young woman's eye. He never did seek out romance. (He can't, after Bilbo.)

The woman looks at him, and she gasps, her eyes going wide. She drops the needle.

"Thorin," Bilbo says, helplessly, and Thorin's heart beat spikes. He knows that voice. He knows those eyes. Slowly, he smiles.

"Bilbo," Thorin whispers, then closes his eyes. He dies before he can hear Bilbo's response.

~*~

The sixth time, neither of them dies at the sight of each other. Instead, Thorin finds Bilbo alive, well, and happy -- in someone else's arms. He recognizes the young man immediately, thinking that even in a brand new life, Bilbo is beautiful with his clear eyes and upturned nose. But Bilbo is smiling down at a dark-headed child in his arms, and a woman is standing next to him, laughing -- and Thorin cannot bear to intrude on them.

He leaves before Bilbo can notice him. Let him be happy. His own heart knows a little peace, to know that Bilbo can smile again, and Thorin finds he can smile, too.

He travels, and he dies in a boating accident. Since he is dead, he never knows how Bilbo's eyes spill over with tears at the sight of the news report.

~*~

The seventh life, and Thorin's last. That is his deal with Mahal -- seven for the seven kings, for the seven lives of Durin, for Thorin's own peace of mind. After this, he will rest, and he will go to Mahal gladly and stay.

The day he walks into Bilbo Baggins, Thorin is a comfortable age. He has two nieces, who are wild enough to remind him of Fili and Kili, and sometimes their eyes sparkle in a familiar way, but they never call him Thorin. He has friends. He has a good business, and he is thinking of taking a vacation, when he walks into a cafe and orders a coffee. The man behind the counter drops his coffee all over the floor and curses colorfully -- and when he looks up to apologize, Thorin sees Bilbo in his face.

"Oh," says Bilbo, blinking several times. "It's -- it's you."

"It's me," Thorin repeats, staring back. Neither of them are near death. Their country is peaceful, quiet. Thorin doesn't any health defects. He's not even that much older than this Bilbo -- yet he can't help but squint, a nervous feeling welling up in his throat. "At your service," he says at last, and slowly, Bilbo smiles, his eyes crinkling.

"And I'm at yours," Bilbo says softly in reply. Thorin finally lets himself hope.


End file.
